Updates
Sep 14, 2021
Arrived after dark owing to delays en-route. That would be the Parisian drivers who believe Mad Max to be a icon to be emulated. After the crashes were cleared (and a couple of hours), it was back en route, but way behind schedule.
Spectacular thunderstorms in central France. Almost impossible to see anything, even fog-lights barely visible. Only option is to following the white lines, press on and hope. Every now and again, the sky would be lit by sheets of lighting running within the clouds. Very impressive.
On arrival, all that is visible is a silhouette of a building. Too late and too wet to think about setting up a tent, so it is a night in the car. Given that I am too laden to be able even to put down the seats it is not going to be a comfortable night. The only sounds .. the occasional calls of bats.
Unload some of the larger items into an outbuiliding at dawn and then head into Gouzon to find the agent and collect the keys. Disturbed some of the bats occupying the main building.
The agent is delightful and after a quick exchange of pleasantries, its off to open up the house. What on earth have I done...
OK - the padlocked fence is open and I'm into the small house. Dark. Smelly. A number of former residents' corpses are littering the floor; it seems the rat poison has worked then ! Needless to say, no services are on. There is a main fusebox, but it is dead. OK, time to enter the main house - this is the one to which the main cable connects to the pylon, so the key must lie here. Unfortunately, things are a little overgrown !
OK. Don't panic. It was meant to be bad. It is. The downstairs bathroom is part demolished. Upstairs, a bat takes offence at being woken up. But, on the other hand, the floor seems solid and the ceilings seem to be holding, well, mostly. It is an absolute disaster, but the size and shape of the rooms is very much as expected. It has potential. There is even a door in the exterior wall which connects to the outbuilding which I have ear-marked as future kitchen. Less encouraging are the words painted across the door of said outbuilding. Clearly, you enter at your peril ! However, the is an electricy meter (a nice, shiney new one). Heaven knows how EDF were persuaded to connect power to the rats nets which extend out from it. Oh well, here goes.
Nothing went bang ! The power is on throughout the main house. Terrifying when you look at the wiring, but it seems to be operational if not exaclty safe. I'll take it !
We also have lights in the little buidling. And mains sockets. And electric heaters. No water. Whoops ! Better turn off that breaker for the immersion heater before it launches through the roof. Much better - the lights glow a little brighter with that off !
Time for a bit of cleaning. Rooms swept clean of the cob-webs (think scary movie) and hoovered. This is manageable !
Now, just need a wash and that means WATER. Back to the main building. Nope. The main inlet pipe has been cut off and opening the tap on the misearble stump does not even deliver a dribble. Where on earth is the main tap ? After a good search I have found the main hydrant in the road. Trouble is, the tap is a good meter down and requires a specific tool. Since I've not found any sign of such a tool on the property, it doesn't seem to likely that the previous owner manged to turn this valve off. As I carry on searching, the first of the locals arrives. Roman. Out for a walk with his dogs and an absolute pleasure. Turns out he has been here since 2009 and bought his house as wreck from the same owners who had planned to turn the entire suite of buildings into a resturant. He warns that they were cowboys and he has had to redo what little renovation work they had done. From what I have seen of the wiring, I believe him. I mention my lack of water, but perhaps he already knows - is he standing at a polite distance because of the smell ? He seems to remeber a hole being dug somewhere close to where we are (and within a couple of metres of the main stopcock). This sounds good - it might be the elusive meter. A quick search and ... nothing. Oh well, getting too late to do much more. Still got bottled water so OK for drinking, but washing is already an issue. Tomorrow is make or break. It is either abort to an hotel or just abort.
Woken at about 11pm. Torrential rain. Great. Here's an opportunity. Skinny showering. It might not be a common concept, but by now I'm ready to give anything a go. In retrospect, I wouldn't recommend it. Firstly, it really is quite chilly. Secondly, the volley of lightning and explosion of thunder as I showered offered the chance of instant drying, either by electrocution or by a tradiotional burning at the village stake on a charge of satan worship. On the other hand, it was worth it. Back inside, dry, warming and CLEAN !
This is crunch day. I must have water. Off to the local shops to buy more bottled water and some tools. It is late in the season, so the are no heavy duty 'strimmers'. The best I can manage is a miniature, hand sythe, but it is sharp. Heavens it's sharp ! Off to work.
Hack around the base of the main house to find an opening. No - just an old drain. Find another opening. Another old drain, this time re-purposed to run the power cable to the small house. Water, electricity, poor insultation (the outer conduit is disintegrating) - just cover it back up and carry on. Bigger fish to fry, On second thoughts, perhaps I should avoid any visions of frying aquatic creatures given what I have just seen. Quite literally, too close to home.
OK - lets do this the other way. I know where the street valve is. I know where the old main inlet to the house was. You would imagine the meter box should lie somewhere along that line. But there is too much vegetation to hack back with the little sythe. Plan B - an umbrella pole as a sound. I start pouding at the earth in the hope of hearing something which might be a manhole cover. Success - something solid, but no, it is just the old kerb for the property. I'll have to clean that up later as it looks good. Keep going and another hit. This time it sounds hollow and after a bit of hacking and digging I have a large manhole of about 1m2 with a concrete cover. Here goes ! I'm about to find the fosse spetique or...the water meter !! Hooray ! A meter and a valve and it is almost in reach. Time to lie on the ground, pray to the rain gods and turn the valve. The meter start to make noise, so something is flowing somewhere. A quick check on the old house - no, no new water feature here, so that's good ! Back in the little building - there is some wheezing and clanking from the plumbing and then WATER ! At last. The adventure can continue.
It's early afternoon and the stone floor of the main room is bleached and drying. The sun is out and it is time to start thinking about some basic furntiture. I found an Ikea store last night. Had exactly what I needed, just wouldn't deliver the big items ! Oh well, confirms everything which I have always believed about that particular purveyor of tat. Just adds another little bump in the road.
So this is what it looks like !
Clearly, this is going to take some taming ! Have come armed with some sage advice (thank you Alastair), I have placed on order for a petrol strimmer. It should be available tomorrow. In the meantime, a coffee table !
Get a strimmer he said. Now this sounds like a good idea - what could go wrong ? Well, let me explain... I own a circular saw. It comes out from time to time and is bolted into a workbench where it performs very well. We have all seen too many severed digits to try to use one of these things freehand. So what is the 'strimmer' ? Well, it is a petrol powered circular saw on a stick which you are at libery to wave around as you please. To add gravity to the (many) safety warning, the manual specifies that this is for solo use. By that it means no person or indeed inanimate object about which you care (this includes anytihng with windows such as houses or cars..) should be with 15m of the device whilst in operation !! God help me ! This thing is lethal. It is also very effective, so thank you for the superb advice, as ever ! I would never have thought of this as an option.
Been bust with the 'strimmer' and the property is starting to look a bit less wild.
All well and good, but what about the 'disaster area' ? Oh well, here goes !
Why ? Why would anyone do this ???
And did I mention I have portholes and grapes ? But that's for another time ! As far as visits are concerned, I think I am finally at 'campling' level, definitely NOT glamping. That will have to wait. So anyone brave enough, feel free (but do note that bare wires and instant death wait around many corners, but at least the bats seems to have vacated the main house).
With some of the worst of the brush cut back, now seemed to be a good time to try to fire up the old petrol mower. Sadly it had long decided it was due a nice, quiet retirement and so not even the merest cough. After tracking down a Honda manual, changing the oil and providing plenty of petrol, the first few splutters and then something a bit more sustained. Defintely not healthy, but good enough to do the front of the property and a swathe of about 5m along the rear. After that a stall at which point I first noticed a slight incontinence problem. Something much like urine dribbling from the air filter. Not urine, petrol ! Something is not happy in the carb - time for a rapid retirement to a corner of the gardn where is can dribble itself empty without risk of sparks or naked flames. Once it is dry, i'll have a good look and start dismantling. Given the work it has done today, it is well worth salvaging.
This evening, given that it has been a warm, sunny day, there is some clear lawn and I haven't got many cooking options, it seemed a good time to get the BBQ out from its nuclear bunker. I suspect it used to be the chicken coup, but honestly, how tough are French foxes ? Did it really need a reinforced concrete roof ? At least there is no reason to worry about anything catching fire when I put it away again ! And so, as the sun went down, I have enjoyed a BBQ. Now just need to add some good company.
Another nocturnal thunderstorm. Nothing dramatic. Nothing to write home about, until...well there is a strange buzzing noise. Oh well, probably part dream as I doze in and out of sleep enjoying the sound of the rain and thunder. Then a loud crack, followed by total silence. The sort of silence which only happens when everything electrical has gone dead. Interesting ! A quick look at the fuse-box and the breaker has tripped. Resetting it does nothing, so the breaker has also gone in the old house. Do I really vancy wandering down the lane in the middle of a thunderstorm at 11:30 at night ? Easy answer, NO ! I've got oil lamps, an oil heater and a gas stove, so I don't need power. But then the doubts begin ! If there really was a surge big enough to blow the 45A trip, then what might it have done to that dodgy wiring in the old house. The dry, old house. Did I just hear some crackling noises ? Arghhh ! I can't just sit here !
Fortunately, the rain stops, so it is off for a quick walk by torchlight, in the middle of the night ! Now if this were a horror movie....this really wouldn't be a good idea. But it isn't. And it is. The old place is just fine, having survivied many worse storms than the trifle which has just blown over. A quick press on the reset button and power is restored and with it the chance of a good nights sleep.
With a sense of sadness, I'm starting to close the place up. Tools oiled and stowed away. Dust sheets at the ready. Tomorrow it is time for COVID tests in preparation for a return to Blightly. In the meantime, all that remains is to close the house down for winter and hope everything survives until next time.
And just in case anybody is tempted, there is a house for sale, just down the road...
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Not much to say - just a business visit to get the place ready for summer. Washing machine, bottle-gas cooker and freezer (whoops - that should have been a fridge) in place.
The house is in remarkably good condition - a quick clean and ready for habitation. The same can't be said for the primeval bracken forrest which passes for a garden. How can so much happen in 6 weeks !!
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The difference between the two pictures ? About 9 hrs. The first was taken at around 01:30 and the second at 10:00. The lightning running within the clouds was enough to walk around as if in daylight. Over the course of two hours, there must have been several thousand discharges
Dear Mr. Zeuss, it has come to my attention that you have mislaid some of your thunderbolts. Actually, more than 'some'. Rather a lot of them seem be knocking about Montignat at the moment and, to be honest, if it isn't too much trouble, we should rather like to see them gone as they are causing a dreadful nuisance. Between the flashing, the crashing, the rain and the power outages, they really aren't doing much for the neighborhood, so if you wouldn't mind popping them back to Olympus it would be very much appreciated.
Things to add - the 'house bomb' (maison piegee) and the attic !
This time a night drive, if only to avoid the Paris traffic. All in all, not a bad option and it brought to the locality soon after dawn. On the journey down, the usual thunderstorm, but as it cleared, the amazing sight of a burning tree standing alone, in the middle of a field. Clearly struck by ligthning and despite the rain, set alight.
First issue, a mower. After the old one died at the end of the last visit, the plan was to buy a new one, but none of the local shops seam to have anything hefty in stock. As a result, plan B. Time to attempt a re-build. After 2 attempts the damn thing still won't start. There is a good spark, so this has to be something to do with the carb. Proof comes when, after lying on its side (fuel leaking out of the carb into the inlet manifold), it fires up for a few seconds. Time for a carb rebuild. All looks OK - float not flooded, needle valve OK, nozzles clear. Nonetheless, after a good clean and reassembly, it fires into life and better than ever. Looks as if a major outlay can be postponed for a little longer.
With the garden beaten into submission, it is time to relax (and catch up with some other work).
When I leave the house, it seems that it is in good hands. Welcome - guard lizzard who lives beside the door and keeps a close eye on all comings and goings !
For the real eyes overlooking the area, this fellow is the boss. Every day the wonderful 'Kee, kee' calls echo over the countryside, more than enough to make some of the other local residents run for cover. That's right - red squirrels !
New trees planted - one cherry, pear and a plum. More interesting, amystery solved. One of the existing trees produces fruit the size of small plums but with the green, speckled skin of a pear. What on earth is it ?
Walnuts !